*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
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If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
can’t catch a break
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
#dalle2
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.