*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
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Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
and now we wait
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
They got a point!
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point