Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.