*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
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Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
the last thing a carrot sees
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.