*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
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Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?