*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
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Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work