[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
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My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
congratulations to them
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.