*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
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The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*