*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
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Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
doing your own taxes
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
This did not end as expected.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable