*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Autocarrot sucks!
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”