*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
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I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
what is cheese if not milk persevering
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”