*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
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PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.