*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
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How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?