BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
You Might Also Like
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
From my Mom
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*