Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
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I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
You saw nothing. I am ham.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.