BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
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[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute