Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
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[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Social Media and Real life
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”