Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
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Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.