By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
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Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Great Canadian literature.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude