By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
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the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
me
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?