by accepting their pardons the turkeys are admitting guilt
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Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Cat.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
2024 has been a rough few years
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird