by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
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I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE