By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
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Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.