by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.