By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
You Might Also Like
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
also my go-to takeaway order
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween