by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
don’t we all
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?