By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
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[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.