By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
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Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.