By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank