by any beans necessary
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BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
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me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
saw this in a dream
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There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft