By Kate Hatos
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All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
We found love in a hopeless place.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Autocorrect is my menesis
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.