“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
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I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Oops
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…