by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
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I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
*performs CPR on the turkey*
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks