By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
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Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible