By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶