@ripstiklesbian *cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
@brendohare By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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@ripstiklesbian 
@OhNoSheTwitnt Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
@scot4bz I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
@UnicornSyrup My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
@SeiYoung83 “If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
@RachelNoise Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
@WheelTod Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
@JimmerThatisAll This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
@Brampersandon_ [Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
@causticbob My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.