@brendohare

By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies

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@ripstiklesbian

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

@scot4bz

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@SeiYoung83

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

@RachelNoise

Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.

@WheelTod

Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in

@Brampersandon_

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

@causticbob

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.