By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
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ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.