Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that
Farmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”