@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

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@gitson_shiggles

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@Adam14

Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@Stella1070

I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.

@StumblerTop

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

@slimmy_shady

I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude

@RandiLawson

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi