@NikiWithIssues

By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.

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@slimmy_shady

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

@DanMentos

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

@MadamBetteNoire

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

@callmeEvian

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

@mrjohndarby

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

@GrowlyGrego

I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.

@trishimal25

Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.

@brandomonium

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

@ch000ch

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

@hipstermermaid

“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”

“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”