By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…