By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
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“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Coffee is ready.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead