@nevernicethings

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

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@AweShadySome

Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!

@BibiCheret

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

@PretendMaker

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

@MarfSalvador

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

@MoneypennyNaked

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”

@babyblue0924

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.