By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
sliding into dms like
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
#SaturdayBears
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.