By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
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Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.