By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
can you read it!!??
maan!
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ