BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
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Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.