by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
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Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*