By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
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My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If you love someone, let them tweet.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.