(by @ZachWeiner )
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kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
They’re on their honeymoon
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Breaking news:
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Meow
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”