C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
You Might Also Like
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them