cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
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Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.