cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
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Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.