Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Me: No guts, no glory.

Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.

My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING