Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I only treason on days ending in y
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.