CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
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Wait for it
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.